Tuesday, April 5, 2016

I Have Some Splainin' To Do

You may have noticed, but I took a nearly five month break from blogging.  You may be surprised to learn I also took a nearly five month break from running. 
Let me explain:

Does that explain it all?  This little bundle of joy (and tears and vomit and poopy diapers and sleepless nights) has taken up every second of every minute of every day since November. 
To be totally honest with you, for several months I felt terribly guilty about not running and not writing.  I felt like I owed you all updates and I felt like I couldn't update if I wasn't running.  At the same time, I felt like I just couldn't run.  I mean, I could not run.  Not to save my life.  And so I didn't.  I didn't do any of it.  Why did I feel guilty?  Well, here I was a person who not only self-identified as a runner, but also a person who had put herself out there for the whole world to see and proclaimed, "I am a runner."  I mean for heaven's sake, there is a blog entry title, "I am a runner."  But, I wasn't running.  I wasn't doing anything.  Okay, I was doing a ton, but I certainly wasn't doing anything I could write to you about under the guise of runner's blog.  What did that make me?  A fraud?  I liar?  A failure? 

But, after months of guilt about it, I decided to drop the guilt.  Well, at least guilt about this blog.  Turns out, after a baby, you have plenty of things to feel guilty about (and PLENTY of hormones to help you in all that guilty feeling).  You feel guilty that you don't know what the hell you are doing with this little tiny life you are now responsible for.  You feel guilty that suddenly everything in the world has shifted and nothing is how it used to be and you aren't sure how you are supposed to react to that.  You feel guilty that you aren't the wife, friend, daughter, employee, you used to be.  You aren't yourself  and you aren't sure if you'll ever feel like yourself again and you can't help but feel like you are letting every single person around you down.  **Have I mentioned that those post-baby hormones are intense?!? 
After I accepted that all of the things I thought I would do/be after baby before I actually had the baby were just insane (you guys, I actually bought an online language course, because you know, staying at home with a newborn who needs your attention 24/7 just lends itself perfectly for learning an entirely new language), I was able to accept who I was and where I was.  I accepted those 9 extra pounds that aren't just falling off.  I accepted that my arms and legs are a little flabbier and my clothes a little tighter.  I accepted that I was no longer a daily runner and that writing would have to be on hold.  And through acceptance, I found contentment.  I even found happiness.  When you aren't so focused on what you aren't able to do, you can really focus and be happy about what you are doing.  And, let me tell you, taking care of this little nugget is the greatest thing in the world to be doing.
But, I am back.  I'm slowly - very slowly - trying to get back out on the trail.  I don't know what this new version of me as a runner will look like (I have a feeling it might be more like a new version of me as a walker).  And, I can't imagine what me as a writer is going to look like.  But, I will be here.  Less fit and less often, but I will be here.

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